Moose and More: RIP, Unicycle Man

A Tale of Despondency in CDDA


Editor’s note: This is a particularly ridiculous example of the sorts of craziness only available from games with random generation, as told by the player. RIP, Unicycle Man – you will be missed.

The Beginning

So I picked the “bottom of a mine” scenario which I’ve had decent luck with in the past. I made it to the surface easily enough, but the second I emerged from the manhole I was beset on all sides by a pack of wolves. They mauled the shit out of me, tore up all my clothes, and shredded my arms down to one health bar each. I was swinging my entrenching tool at them and they were starting to retreat when a goddamn moose comes charging out of no where and starts beating the crap out of my legs and torso. The moose and wolves distracted each other enough that I managed to slip away.
moose-frontal-shotI ran to the mine’s parking lot, hoping for an escape vehicle. The only functioning vehicle in the parking lot was….. a freaking unicycle. I was bleeding and had about 215 units of pain, but, courageously, I hopped on that bad boy and started pedaling.

I was surrounded by thick forest on all sides and there was really only one direction I could go. I was hauling butt on that unicycle. I think I made it up to 40 mph at one point. Unfortunately, this ate through my stamina quickly and I was soon hungry and very thirsty. I stopped to scavenge for edibles on the side of the road. I usually can find wild veggies and rhubarb pretty easily, but this time all I could find was mugwort. I was trying to suck what little nutrients and moisture I could out of the delicious mugwort when, you guessed it, another goddamned moose starts charging at me.

The End

I hopped back onto the unicycle and continued down the road with the moose nipping at my heels. Safe mode kicks in, and I get a message warning me about unfriendly looking lasers. A roadblock was ahead manned by a lone chicken walker. I said “screw it” and started pedaling furiously towards the armored kill-bot. I’d rather die in a blaze of glory than give that stupid moose the satisfaction of stomping my head in. The chicken walker launched a 40mm grenade at me, but the explosion only clipped me. I deftly steered the unicycle around the chicken walker, and the moose finally backed off.

I did it! A few more yards and I’d be out of the chicken walker’s range and home free! Alas, it was not to be. A second 40mm round detonated right on top of me. My corpse continued forward, still somehow pedaling the unicycle, until I went careening into a tree. Two wolves and two coyotes ran over and started mauling my corpse. They didn’t even get hostile towards each other. In fact, they seemingly bonded over gnawing on my lifeless body. This went on for a few moments until the chicken walker came over and blasted away the whole scene.

Final Words

Well, that’s my story. I think I lived less than 5 hours game time and I didn’t even see a single zombie.

RIP unicycle man.

About the Author: Spencer

spencer-bio-picSpencer L. left his home in Texas about 5 years ago, and during his travels, decided he wanted to become a gunsmith. He’s about to get his degree and plans on heading home soon to make a living with his trade. Spencer enjoys cooking, homebrewing, travelling the world, and of course, playing roguelike games. If you’d like to contact him, send an email to: